Movie Review: "The Pedophiliac Case of an Old Man Baby," or "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"

Okay, so I actually did see this movie, although not all the way through. It starts off with an old New Orleans lady who is dying in a hospital, and as she goes, her nervous and unexplainably guilty daughter reads her Benjamin Button's diary. Before this happens, however, audiences are subjected to listening to the old lady talk for about 20 minutes. This is uncomfortable, annoying, and excruciating because she's dying and her voice is all warbly and gasping; every sentence takes like a year to complete. Once the daughter takes over, though, we learn that Brad Pitt was born a gross wrinkled old man baby and that his button salesman (or maker? I wasn't paying close attention) leaves him on the doorstep of what I think is an old people's home.

How coincidental and fitting to be left here, he "fits" right in. Benjamin develops a friendship/romance with an 8 year old Cate Blanchett. This is creepy and gross because even though they're both 8 or some shit, it's not so different than an old man wanting to get with a little kid. Anyways, Benjamin gets a job on a tugboat where he makes friends with a cast of characters that teach him things in life, the main point that was slapped in my face every fifteen minutes being that 'You never know what's coming," at which point the movie started to shape itself like a shitty version of Forrest Gump.

There's a lot of symbolism (the clock the crazy mourning guy built, the damn hummingbird) and nothing is more forced than 'epic' movies situating themselves, well, forceably, into historical events. On the tugboat, Button witnesses WWII gunfire, and let's just say that even the exciting parts of this movie are slow and boring.

I didn't finish it, but I'm guessing he has a romance with Cate Blanchett (following his romance with Tilda Swinton who basically looks the same as her), grows younger, meets more colorful characters that teach him life lessons, learns that you never know what's coming for you, which begins to sound less fun and more threatening. He probably gets younger but has a rich life and then dies a baby, the way he was supposed to fucking look when he was born.

Lastly, Brad Pitt is generally in good movies, but they're never good because of him. He's mediocre, not a good character actor, and even in old man makeup, he still looks like Brad Pitt.