Tuesday, December 1, 2009
It's a rare breed of Appollonia: they have mated, albeit awkwardly, with the Crusty Blonde Poodle to produce a species so canine in fur, yet so horse-like in face, that only a nude dress could suffice; any other color would distract the eye from the subtle beauty of this special breed of horse-dog.
Rarely seen in nature, it's miraculous that two of this special breed have made it to fame: Bette Midler and Sarah Jessica Parker.
Trot on, ladies.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
"Baby At Mpls. Daycare Sucked On Ball Of Cocaine"The headline pretty much says it all, but a baby at a Minneapolis day care center found a ball of crack on the floor and was found sucking on it. I would not want to change that diaper.
Anyways, the place is called "Agape Child Development Services-Open 24 Hours" which is just too, too fitting. Of course you have to be open 24 hours a day for all those high babies that are up all night. And imagine the gummers when all you have are gums?
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Maybe before you were born, your own DNA sequence beat you over the head with an ugly stick. Maybe you were in a weird high school singing group called The Teddy Bears. But you made the best of shit. Life is good when you're working with Ike and Tina, The Beatles, and The Ramones, making enough money to use Ben Franklins for cum clean up. It's even pretty awesome if you shoot your girlfriend and get a mistrial. Life starts to lose its shine, however, when two years later you're convicted and get 19 years.
But man, it's really rock bottom when you find out California state prison systems have a strict no wig policy (for realz). I always thought you were a crazy, ugly fucker but now I see that you looked far better when you had Chewbacca's merkin on your head.
I feel sad for you, Phil Spector. But don't get too down, maybe someone will teach you how to make grilled cheeses on the cell radiators.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
....But I kind of think that Hitler was a good painter. I mean I know the running joke is that he had one ball and sucked at art, but his watercolors actually aren't bad.
I know, I know. But I'm only going on the works themselves, not the painter......
it's still bad, I suppose.
"Ready, willing, and able to scrub"? Really? And isn't announcing yourself as an eager gay man "ready willing and able" along with your first AND last name and cell number just asking for a prank call in which I ask if you can come clean my balloon knot?
Friday, April 10, 2009
- Twin Kathy points out that "It's a good 6 lbs of meat that's just chock full of lingering blood, vitamins, and hormones that can still in part be transferred upon eating -- even through cooking. When I cooked it, I cleaned the surface blood off of it, but kept anything that seaped out of it into the sauce."
- She also provides precise preparation tips: "First, I washed off any clots and snipped/tore away the membrane. Websites suggested this, and I imagine it's because it'd be chewy. The umbilical cord required a pair of scissors to cut through and I had to marvel at how incredible tough that piece was!"
- And this gave my tastebuds a serious boner: "It wasn't TOUGH, but not sloppy either. Just the right kind of texture that I like." Mmmmm.
I hope that after you eat the placenta you crap out a baby.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
But seriously, Satan much?
Friday, March 13, 2009
I fucking tip. probably a dollar for a three dollar beer, but dude WHAT THE FUCK. Do not assume i'm giving you a tip of my change.
This is the third time this has happened here. The first time I paid a $4 (FOUR) dollar tab with a 10 (TEN) and never got change. This caused me to doubt myself and wonder if I paid with a $5 (FIVE), but I still should have gotten my fucking dollar back. However, I paid with a 10 (TEN).
I know I could have asked for my change but that's awkward and makes me look cheap and anal.
Which, apparantly, I am.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
So not only does The Bachelor "pick the wrong girl," he fucking proposes to her. And then dumps her on TV for the other girl he dumped on the show. Which is super douchey to both bitches. I know we're supposed to feel bad for him because he's a single dad, but I mostly feel bad for his boyfriend that he won't publically acknowledge.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Saturday, January 31, 2009
"We found a great rhythm, contractions started kicking in. I sat there with her, right between her legs. We got tribal on it, we danced to it! I was DJ-ing this Brazilian music. This is where I learned -- and no one tells you this -- but having a baby is a bloody, pukey, sweaty, primeval thing!"
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
definitely looks like some (...retarded...) version of Will Smith (top)....right?
So apparantly Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway are best friends, both of whose wedding gets book for the same day at the Plaza. Personally, this doesn't seem like the kind of dumbshit mistake the Plaza would make, but I do know it's under sketchy new ownership so I suppose it's plausible.
Anyway, this creates a big selfish rift in the friendship and results in nasty-bitch-shenanigans like Kate Hudson somehow being able to sneak into a tanning salon with the always helpful scarf over your head and sunglasses and fucking with Anne Hathaway's tanning session. I assume this goes on for about an hour, while their boyfriends try to figure out if they're both on the rag or just dumb spoiled bitches who can't compromise or find another suitable venue in all of New York City.
They must figure something out, because the trailor shows the both of them in wedding gowns fighting. And not sexy-underwear-jello-wrestling fighting, but lame screechy cat-fighting. I assume someone's wedding gets ruined but they apologize for being hags and end it with a double wedding.
Oh, and it looks like maybe Dane Cook is in the movie, which must mean it's phenomenal. And Candace Bergen definitely is, reprising her now-pigeon-holed role as Stern, Business-like Older Woman.
I had never heard of this book until I saw previews for the movie and because it has Kate Winslet in it, I mistakenly assumed the story would be really earth-shattering. Adding to my excitement was the "Oprah's Book Club" banner across the top.
Bear in mind the book is written in German, so perhaps something was lost in translation. But I really doubt it and conclude that Oprah put in on her list because it talks about the Holocaust and therefore, it must be important. Similarly, the story involves a thirty-something woman fucking a fifteen year-old boy, therefore it must be shocking and film-worthy and additionally Kate Winslet will have another chance to show her tits.
Michael Berg is a fifteen year old kid in post-war Germnay who barfs on the way home from school. Some lady sees him surrounded in puke and grabs him and cleans him up at her apartment. It turns out he has hepatits and when he's better he goes to thank her, accidentally sees her in her slip, gets embarassed and runs away. He then gets bold and horny and goes back to her building and they start fucking and she makes him read to her. Like all the time. They do it every day and even take a four day vacation and the narrator conveniently doesn't "remember what [he] told [his] parents," which is possible but mostly just seems like lazy writing. Anyways, she (Hanna) disappears one day and Michael doesn't see her again until he's in law school and she's on trial for being an Nazi concentration camp guard. Michael's obsessed with her, realizes she's illiterate and sends her tapes of him reading to her in jail. The day before she is supposed to get out, she kills herself and Michael reflects on what kind of person she really was (strong, determined, victimized, Nazi) and how he never loved anyone after her (because she fucked him when he was 15).
Whew, now, the high and low-lights:
- He feels embarassed and guilty when he is at the town pool with his friends and sees Hanna, but does not acknowledge her, probably because he's embarassed to reveal that he's basically doing his mom.
- Hanna makes Jewish concentration camp girls read to her, and Michael rationalizes that it' to make their last month before getting gassed better. Whatever helps you sleep.
- Only two astute and somewhat meaningful pieces in the book: 1)"Or is there no such thing as 'too late'? Is there only 'late' and is 'late' always better than 'never'? I don't know." Yeah, me neither. 2)Something to the effect of "Why does what was beautiful suddenly shatter in hindsight because it concealed dark truths? Why does the memory of years of happy marriage turn to gall when our partner is revealed to have had another lover all those years?" Well, because your partner lied, broke his vows, and fucked someone else.
Fascinatingly enough, I found the image of the cover on a website titled fantasicfiction.com which is ironic because the book was shockingly mediocre.
Think of him as the mascot of this blog, or my life.